Kids don't keep.

It was Saturday. I was shuffling around the house, starting laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, getting dressed. This Saturday the hubs was working so it was just the kiddos and I. They'd spent most of the morning playing video games. I dropped the guilt for that awhile back. The rest of the day they'd get on with living like a kid should. I directed them to do the dishes, get dressed, "Properly. As in, change your clothing, including underwear. Comb your hair." as I have told my boy a 100 times. Today it all went a bit differently though. And man, it struck me in the momma heart, (more on what that is later). He did as he was told, but this time my pubescent son said to me, matter-of-factly, "I think I'd rather just stay home today." Stay Home?! This was a crazy moment for quite a few reasons. Where do I start? If you know him then you know he's a momma's boy. I have always said that since my daughter would watch me burn to save her daddy, at least I had my boy who was always attached, but it's more than that, there have been real, "him and me" moments in life: when his daddy was deployed. When he was a really difficult baby and toddler. He was the first thing I didn't run from in my life once it got difficult. We were all-in. It's our "thing". The next reason this was crazy was that he generally loved to get stuff when we go out. He loves stuff. He has hundreds of collections and he's always looking to add to them. He knows I'm a pushover and will eventually let them get something. Next reason: I will feed him. Going out to lunch (eat) in general is a favorite for us. My kids favorite fast food is Taco Bell and they ask me almost every time we go out. There's never a time when we're not down for Taco Bell. Except today. He wasn't into it, today. And he's always hungry too, it. It's a great motivator. When I asked him what he was going to do, he said, "Eh, maybe The Switch. Maybe I'll do more work on The Hole, (a giant hole he's digging in Minecraft- ugh, the future of our species lmao), "Maybe text a Friend...." Allllllllrighty then. At that moment, I felt myself rage through about 20 emotions which I will attempt to sum up here: Surprise, Anger, Sadness, Betrayal, Sadness, Sadness, Surprise, Happy, Frustration, Sadness, etc etc etc. My boy hated to be home alone. He once told me, (like a few months ago, not years), "I worry that if you're gone, and you get into an accident and die, no one will know. No one will know your kids are here alone. How would we know?" .....heavy..... Trying to get him comfy with being alone had taken baby steps. Like 5-minute outings to the corner (liquor) store (lol kidding. Mostly.), the Wendy's to bring back Frosties... baby steps. We'd gotten to about an hour. He was comfy for an hour before he started texting, and worrying. But this day? He didn't seem worried at all, and it was surprising because every single other time he'd cared. Until he didn't. My daughter and I left for the morning. We went shopping together, went to lunch, (a place he would rather not go), and even picked him up lunch on the way home. He never worried. And my momma heart, grew, and stretched and ached, friends. My momma heart, ached. When it happened, when he told me that he didn't want to go, I said nothing immediately. I walked into the dining room. I stood, I breathed. Like, breathed deeply for a minute at least, and realized this was a teaching moment. I was fulllllllll of emotion. The things I'd remarked that I was never told, I was about to tell them, and I did: I walked back in the kitchen and with eyes full of tears, and a rock in my throat, I told my kids I loved them. "The reason I'm emotional right now, and for the record this is a ME issue, has nothing to do with you both, really, But I just witnessed a lot of growth in my son. He has grown, leaps and bounds and it hurts and feels good at the same time." My son and I lock eyes and I say to them both, but to him: "I feel very proud you feel comfortable to stay home but it hurts my momma heart to think you don't need me as much anymore. I always say that no one told me how painful it was to have children, and this is what I mean... watching you grow means letting you go a little. I'm still learning too." We all cried, and we all hugged and laughed at my emotional self. My daughter and I had a really lovely time together without brother. He wasn't "missing" exactly, we just knew he was somewhere else, doing bigger-kid things (he's almost 13!!!). We knew we'd see him again soon.

Right before she and I left, I jotted down some blog notes. I wanted to savor the moment and realize these tiny, beautiful, painful moments are life. Like, I just experienced life and growth itself. That's what this is all about. WHAT is a Momma Heart?

A momma heart is a separate heart from your main heart, entirely. It grows when you have kids! No matter what way you have them, once you have kids, you grow a momma heart. Unlike a heart attack, a momma heartache won't kill you, but it sure feels like it when it's happening. Momma hearts grow and stretch and they have growing pains! Like when you're proud and you cry? You're not sad! That's your momma heart growing! You might also feel it when you're feeling disappointed or betrayed. A momma heart is that one that aches when you're away even if you know you need to be away. Momma hearts are sensitive and are activated by the incredible stuff they witness from their kids, often growth! <3

MB Growing Pains Why does it hurt so much to watch them grow? As if the pain in their legs from forming bone and muscle to make them strong, Is attached to my heart, it pulls and pulls. It's as though there is still the placental connection, and the umbilical cord was never actually severed. It remains, and it provides the strength and fuel to power their hopes and their dreams through experience. I want all of the moments of their life to be tangible. I want to revisit the day he walked. I want to hold the chubby girl in the past. I want to cry from the need for sleep, because they know that I'll appear. Ready to provide all that they need. The days turn to weeks and weeks into months. The years fly by as if the sun dawning and then turning to dusk. The sum of all things is the life that you have, so I'm willing myself to give all that I have. And through that cord pumps their faith and their love, for life and for learning and the strain of the shove to their knees for not knowing the things that they need. Through mistakes and all of the pain that that brings. I can barely imagine the strain that's to come. Can I handle the pain of fueling their love? I know my heart aches of seeing them grow, And just thinking about the fact that they'll go... Away. Today I can't bare the heft of the load, today I weep, I cannot be bold. They can't see that I miss their voices today, as if I can picture them years from now and miles away, in their life, and to me they have nothing to say... Oh Lord, give me alI I can take, Because who knows how many days are today? Tomorrow is so fast anymore, I can't control the flow. I'm going to just hold onto the moment. It's really all I know anymore.

MB2017