https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/people%20pleaser From the Mirriam-Webster online dictionary: people pleaser
variants: or less commonly people-pleaser \ ˈpē-pəl-ˈplē-zər \
plural people pleasers also people-pleasers
Definition of people pleaser: someone or something that pleases or wants to please people. a breed of dog that's a people pleaser. This sophisticated, nutritious salad is a real people-pleaser, and it's quite filling too.— Brett Stewart and Corey Irwin
often : a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires. Being a people pleaser isn't all bad. It shows that you are a caring person who values social connections and enjoys making others happy.— Samantha Boardman
Other Words from people pleaser:
people-pleasing or people pleasing noun… if you grew up in a home with a difficult, emotionally unavailable parent, you may have unconsciously picked up the pattern of people-pleasing in an attempt to engage the aloof parent.— Meghan Fritz
people-pleasing adjective: people-pleasing behavior a people-pleasing recipe.
Of all of the effects of trauma that have been hard for me to wrap my mind around, the act of being a people-pleaser has been one of the more difficult. It's akin to thinking you're a bunny in life but finally looking in the mirror and realizing you're a fox. The way you've created yourself in your mind shatters. You're not some innocent little woodland creature eating clover, you're a evolutionary opportunist, gleaning sustenance at the expense of others. You adapted to survive in a situation in where you're either the hunter or the hunted. You are a product of your environment, and even if it feels "right" to you, it's not. And that will shake your ass to the very core. It's a selfish endeavor in the pursuit to feel whole and loved. But it always fails. And, it's not sustainable. No one can give and give and give and give without expecting something in return and without crashing from the demands. It erodes your self-esteem because of the level that you're willing to go to, and the lack of boundaries required to be a people-pleaser, are not attainable naturally, because they're not healthy. I always thought myself to be the "sacrificial lamb" of sorts in my family. This thinking was created by my ego, built in my head to protect myself. I was the oldest sibling. I took care of the younger ones to some degree. Because of this, I was a hero, naturally. So anytime my mom would put me in line, I would lash back, (even if it was silently in my mind), "do you have any idea how much I give so you can do what you want?!" "I'm not given credit for the load I carry." "I want to be recognized for my roll in this family." Resentment brews, anger simmers and this coupled with being emotionally deprived of affection and feeling invisible, a psychological scar was formed. I adapted to be acknowledged. I changed my behavior to procure attention and I equated this to love. I became a hyper-perfectionist. I became an over-achiever. And while this worked temporarily, long-term it wasn't sustainable. And when I couldn't achieve this level anymore, I flipped into a different extreme which we have touched on in the past; I became self-destructive.
Do you remember my blog about being sensitive? About how highly sensitive people are masters at anticipating the needs of others? It's about reading body language and non-verbal cues. Well, being a people-pleaser is wrapped up in all of those same things. In truth, it's manipulation at a very subtle level, and even if you don't realize you're doing it- being a people-pleaser is a selfish endeavor. It's a desperate attempt at controlling a situation, by becoming exactly what the situation calls for. It's a hero complex, becoming what another needs, often at the expense of your own needs. It's trying to glean happiness from this role. By solving someone's problem. By paying someone's bill. By being someone's savior. It's a temporary, unsatisfying fix that constantly needs to be tended. Like a fire needs stoking, your ego needs it also. This is the way you've evolved to feel the love that every human being craves.
The root is a deep-seeded dissatisfaction with self. It's not your fault, no. But upon learning the reasons behind this issue, and acknowledging it exists, it is your responsibility to recondition yourself so that you can stop living this way. For your own good. Now that I know what to look for, I can trace pretty far back and am able to recognize the beginnings of my people-pleasing tendencies:
I was about 10 years old. We'd not long before moved into a house with my mom's boyfriend. He was emotionally unavailable and my siblings and I had been moved away from both of our male role-models: our Father and Grandfather. We watched my mom enter a new relationship and that man quickly took on a care-taker role. My siblings and I were desperate for love and attention, like most children are. Every weekend day, my mom's boyfriend would get up in the morning and blast music in the house. One morning he was playing music by the band Heart. I can't remember ever really caring much about music before this day, but I remember watching the boyfriend just jam out to this song and he didn't know I was watching. He was bopping his head to the beat and had a smile on his face. He loved it! After that weekend, during a day he wasn't home, I sneaked and took a look at the CD that had been nearest to the player. The case was still there, so I picked it up and read the insert. I committed to memory what the band looked like and who they were. Then I went to work. I drew a picture of the "band". I labeled them with their instruments. Then, I cut out a cardboard personage of Ann Wilson, (the lead singer). I colored her with crayons and markers, made hair and a guitar! I really went all-out. When the boyfriend got home from work, I presented him with my works of art. Highly anticipating he would be floored by my talent and astute knowledge of classic rock and roll, I was heart-broken and riddled with shame when instead he looked at me like I was a weirdo, and second, scolded and punished me for touching his CDs. In truth, I was a weirdo for making a cardboard Ann Wilson, ha! But I was also clearly desperate for his approval, (which I never got friends, I never got it). So the cracks in the picture here, the intricacies to be acknowledged and learn from : I went against known boundaries at 10-years-old to get a hold of the CD case to do something way over-board to gain approval from someone who was not going to give it no matter what. The first word I think of is desperate. And I believe that is the perfect word to sum up people-pleasing. Desperate to feel whole and seen. My inner belief was: Somehow, if I just GAVE ENOUGH, someone, somewhere would love me, acknowledge me and see me.
People-pleasing and being an over-achiever often go hand-in-hand. The thought that you must do everything perfect and better than others means people will value you and notice you and comes from the same place of personal dissatisfaction. In short, you're programmed to think being the smartest, best, fastest, most knowledgeable about a subject equals respect and love. I remember this one time about 8 years ago; I was having this over-the-top princess birthday party for my daughter's 3rd birthday. I got this castle cake, I made a tower like in Rapunzel, I had a snow-cone machine, I spent a lot of time, money and energy making it incredible. (Just reading this makes me cringe- what was I trying to prove? Well, in-short, everything.)... My family and I had just relocated in February from upstate New York. It was now April in Chattanooga, Tennessee. In an effort to force-acclimate myself to the South, having lived in Hawaii and California prior to New York, I threw all of my previous beliefs out the window and joined a Southern Baptist Church to meet people and have a support system. Of course at the time, I couldn't know how ridiculous this notion was. Considering my religious views were much more fluid in comparison to the Southern Baptists, (see: homosexuality, divorce, gender rolls, etc etc etc). And, considering my lack of religious upbringing (not a bad thing- just a fact), I'm really not sure why I thought this could work for me. But the party held a gaggle of Southern-Baptist moms and their small children on one side. And then on the other side, held my husband and a small group of people I'd recently met that were from the Chicago area and more our speed, and then in another corner were some neighbors. Each group was separated by an invisible barrier. And then there's me: flitting about the room in no-way realizing anyone's discomfort but feeling like a hero for having "the best" party ever and having tons of people there and basically just being an over-achiever in all ways. It's a dopamine release. It's an adrenaline rush, (remember, I am in constant pursuit of things to make me feel good, these fit the bill). Now, I'll show you the cracks: No two groups liked one another. My daughter was over-whelmed with the sheer number of people there. She melted down over-and-over and I was annoyed that she wouldn't just accept all these strange people in her home. My husband probably thought I was crazy, but said nothing because he generally just tries to be supportive of my various insane tendencies. At the end of the day, I was exhausted and had nothing left to give. I was mad and disappointed in everyone and my thoughts swirled around self-loathing, (I should have done xyz, I shouldn't have done xyz, if I'd done xyz it would have been better). My emotional energy was spent trying to smooth the edges of different worlds. Every person there was an awesome human in their own right, but they were living different lives from different backgrounds and I erroneously tried to force their pieces into the puzzle of my life. The result was feeling drained. Feeling unsatisfied because no one had "enough fun", this being a story I told myself of what would be acceptable enjoyment based on my effort. To summarize: an unrealistic expectation that couldn't be filled no matter if they were all best friends! I set myself up for failure by not being true to myself, those attendees and most importantly my daughter. Do I think there's a way to have a birthday party with a bunch of different kinds of people? Yes! Of course! Do I think you should force them all to be in the same space and then feel secretly resentful when it's obvious they're not mingling and living up to your secret expectation? No, friends. No, I don't. Being a people-pleaser is being a chameleon. It's being able to blend with a room full of Southern Baptists as easily as a room full of California stoners. But would you force both of them to eat at the same dinner table and play with each other's kids? Probably not. But a people-pleaser absolutely will. Because they're concerned with themselves and how it makes them feel. And as always, they're trying to feel whole. So the most people means the most liked, right? That means they love you, right? Nope! But at the time, I didn't know. What I was looking for was love. Acceptance, admiration. I wanted to be a hero because I felt I was overlooked in my formative years. I felt underappreciated and unseen, so I would not have a boundary to be seen in an effort to be acknowledged and praised. Do you see how this isn't healthy? I have done this to some degree in every relationship I have ever been in. This isn't limited to romantic relationships- my friendships took on this air. One time in 6th grade I brought a bunch of rolls of coins to school to buy the friendship of a kid I had a crush on. He had no clue why I was giving him money, but he liked me a lot more after I started doing it. I've financially bailed out more friends than I care to say over the years. There have been people who picked up on this trait early on and have then taken advantage of me. I don't want to go into it too much, but I'll say this translated in all ways in life, including sex. If I just did what they want, they'll love me. They'll appreciate me. No, they'll use you, past self. They'll sniff you out and use you. So, what has taken me from there to here? Cracking open my ego to start with. Learning what stories were just stories and what were truths. This requires self-awareness which requires self-reflection which requires the desire. Most people do not change who they are unless they have to. And by have to, I mean have to. For example, an addict will keep using if they reasonably can. What does reasonably look like? To an addict there are no boundaries to get what they want. They will lie, steal and cheat. A healthy person doesn't feel okay about conning their loved ones out of money to support something so draining and unhealthy. Similarly, someone will keep taking as long as you're willing to give it. So, logic dictates that if you don't want what you have taken, stop giving it. This includes your energy, friends. It includes your friendships. It includes relationships. If you feel depleted every time you're around someone, maybe ask yourself, are they taking too much? Am I giving too much? Stop giving what drains you. What made me want to change? I credit a lot of this to my therapist a few years back. She had a way of just breaking it down for me and shattering these stories I created. Very slowly, she helped me learn how to feel again. Remember folks, I am a highly sensitive individual. There is a lot of evidence out there claiming people like me are created, not born. She helped shed some light on this topic. She helped me unravel the trauma and helped me learn what should have been reasonably expected of a young child compared with what was expected of me. She helped me sort out that confusing complex of never being enough. She helped me get to the root of the way I was like I was. There have been others things though, also. Having cancer kicked me in the ass. That was an existential crisis that made me question all of the things! Did I do this to myself? Do I deserve this? Is this karma? Is this my reckoning? From here is started looking at life drastically different. Cancer puts things into perspective. I realized my life goals to this point mostly consisted of being what other people expected me to be. I realized I didn't even know who I was. It's this type of thing: Your husband asks what you want for dinner and you say, "hmm, not sure, what do you want?" I had been doing that in every aspect of my life for as long as I could remember. My wants were always connected to another's. I felt (temporarily) satisfied and whole when I helped another get where they wanted to go. Even at the expense of myself! I'd give the shirt off my back and then secretly feel resentful in a snowstorm when I'm freezing and lacking a shirt. Normal people don't disrobe in a storm. Healthy people address their own needs first, and then help those around them. Like they tell you on the airplane! Do your mask first, then help those around you! Another quote I love: You can't pour from an empty cup! That's truth, friends. You're no help to anyone in a bitter state of depletion. So, I started focusing on myself. I started getting to know myself and what I liked and didn't like. I paid attention to how things made me feel, instead of stuffing the feelings associated, I paid attention. I realized I needed to do something fulfilling, in my case, helping others fit that bill. So, I went back to school. I started devouring books on mental health. I started learning about psychology. I started yoga. I read books on nutrition and wellness. I became an aromatherapist, and a hobby herbalist. I started following people who light up the world. Who have healed themselves. People who make you know how much we're capable of as human beings if we put in a little time and energy. My goals were pretty simple in theory: be a better person, mind, body and soul. What I learned is it meant addressing some things that were making me less than I could be. When I first diagnosed myself as a people-pleaser, no one was more shocked than myself. Ha! But in my pursuit of being a better human, in learning and growing, I began to look at myself and I began to prioritize. Here's what it kind of looked like:
Issue: I'm tired all the time and I hate it. Solution: Learn about nutrition, build endurance. At this time I also hired a Life coach, because it all felt overwhelming at the time. Now I see, it's just one step at a time. One good choice built on another. Eat whole foods, move your body. Issue: I don't have enough time to do all the things I want (need) to. Solution: define needs and wants. The lines blur if you're not careful. Things I gave up: doing what others wanted instead of what I wanted. Going way out of my way for people that would not be likely to return the favor. In short, address my (and my family's) needs first, everything else comes second, third or never. Issue: Being negative: Solution: Gratitude Journal. Instead of concentrating on what I didn't have, I started concentrating on what I did have. Before long, anytime I would think something negative, I'd follow it up with the silver lining. And after some time, I've found I dropped the negative all together and rarely think negatively about things, but rather feel thankful much more frequently for the little things. (Everyone is negative sometimes, I'm referring to the exceedingly negative self-talk that was the basis for most of my life).
So you get the idea? Some bottom lines to remember: You are not your conditioning. It is very possible to change your behavior. It is very possible to create better habits and learn to be a better person, for you firstly and then for your family and friends following. It is one choice built upon one choice. Calling yourself out on your bs is a good start. Stop making excuses and start listening to your body. Part of my journey has been realizing I have an addictive personality. I can get addicted to anything and everything potentially. Adrenaline fits, you can actually get hooked on dysfunction and the weird energy surge it gives you when you have to deal with it. Chaos will cause an adrenaline surge for sure, so try and recognize those things. Take some time to let yourself feel. I felt yoga was really helpful because it forces you to slow down. However that's only part of the process because you need to quiet your mind as well to get out of reactive mode and more into shaping the way you want your life to look. I know this post has been long, if you stuck it out, thank you. I have come back to this post so many times over the last few weeks; adding stories and anecdotes. I feel like if anyone can learn from my experiences, if it can give you some moments of self-reflection to be a better you for you- then it will have been worth it.
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