I’ve always had this feeling that the moment is fleeting. I’ve always felt like I needed to glean as much as possible from every single moment because it can end too soon. This feeling used to generate a lot of anxious feelings inside of me. Can you imagine going through life feeling like time is running out? That any experience could be your last? I don’t know why this has been cemented in my brain, but it’s there. The constant tiny voice reminding me this life is so temporary. The dichotomy lies in the fact that my body wouldn’t cooperate with my desire to go and do. It has always been a struggle to be as productive as I’d like. I’d end up feeling like I failed every single day. I’d set myself up to these unreachable standards, so what was my option other than to fail? I never gave myself a chance to succeed. The reasons are so numerous, I’ll try and sum them up in this account in simple terms, but mostly it can be summed up in one word: unwell.
As a child you adopt certain survival strategies. This is an unconscious reflex to make sense of a world a tiny human isn’t yet capable of making. There are studies showing monkeys clinking to wire mothers in their cages, looking for whatever comfort that cold wire can provide. Human children do the same thing. They’re biologic response for self-preservation creates neuropathways on how to survive. Little reflexes to make being in this world easier. If the child is mistreated in some way, neglect or abuse for example, that child adapts and finds way to continue on. I didn’t realize I had an entire process built inside myself to cope with life, and that these processes were no longer serving the person I was. While they may have suited the child-me, to make sure I survived with half a mind left in my head, as an adult, in control of my faculties and choices, they didn’t. And it was obvious, if you knew how to look.
I started on antidepressants when I was 19 years old. For the last 21 years I have bounced around diagnosis and been told there was something chemically wrong in my brain. You see, I was tired. I was fatigued. I lacked motivation. I had aches and pains. I couldn’t get through a day without bedding down for a nap that would often last half the afternoon. I was sensitive. I was emotional. I felt icky inside, I hated myself, if you want the brutal truth. I didn’t know how to love or how to accept it. It all felt alien to me. I had a string of failed relationships and plenty of poor choices littering my past. I had so much to feel guilty for, it constantly bogged down my thought processes. I developed an eating disorder, (binge eating). I went through substance abuse issues. It seemed there was nothing I couldn’t get addicted to. My mental capacities continued to fall to the point that I was sent to a recovery center because my family feared for my life. And still, I had space to fall further, down and down until my cancer diagnosis last summer, (2018).
At the time of my diagnosis, I had been in counseling for at least a decade, but my current counselor had taken a really different approach. She didn’t want me saying I had anxiety or I was anxious. She felt these were self-fulfilling prophecies that became my identity and who I subconsciously felt I had to live up to. Instead, we targeted my thoughts and how they made me feel. Before long, she had uncovered a lot of junk I’d buried deep down and didn’t think was affecting me. But alas, it was. My past trauma, my outdated thinking processes were leaving me anxious. I was literally avoiding my feelings, (for decades, friends). While on the surface it appeared like I was getting the help I needed in the form of antidepressants, the facts spoke louder: they never worked, that’s why they switched them all the time, always looking for one that would be the perfect fit. Well, the perfect fit was actually processing that trauma and re-learning how to feel and love again. Not just others, but myself also. I had to relearn how to feel, without numbing it away with substances and food. So when I found out about the cancer- I was in a better place to cope with it than any time in the past, but little did I know that I had a whole lot more work to do to be the person I was meant to be without the anxiety, without the depression, without the addictions and binge-eating sessions.
I had surgery to remove that cancer from my kidney. It started a part of my life I am forever thankful for. Because in the last year, I have finally, in the midst of the worst health crap ever- chosen who I want to be. And that person isn’t someone who is exhausted and worried or depressed all of the time. That person fills their life with experiences and not with things and that person feels her feelings instead of numbing them. I decided to start making mindful choices to make myself better, myself. The first: get off the anxiety meds I’d been addicted to for 9 years. This took me a year to ween off of them, but I did it. The next? Hiring a true angel named Brooke as a life coach. You see, I needed a blue print, friends. I needed some direction. I’ve never done this life before, I’ve never tried to rebuild myself. So I knew I needed something to help me, or someone. SO, I reached out to a friend whom I’d watched rebuild herself over the course of several years. I watched her make a lot of positive, mindful choices and right before my eyes she blossomed into this amazing, confident, strong person. A woman anyone would look up to. I simply asked her, can you direct to me to what has helped you stay motivated to make positive choices day after day-? One word stands out: Accountability. She said, you must be accountable for your choices, you must have a reason to be accountable. She led me to Brooke and she and I embarked on a journey which included radical honesty, friends. It’s not something for the faint of heart because it airs your misconceptions, the very ones that hold up your current reality. It airs faulty thought-processes similar to the way therapy does. It requires making goals, sticking to them and being accountable in the tiny failings along the way- and guess what? We ALL FAIL! In the past, if I’d have made a goal, it would be normal when I didn’t meet the goal, because being disappointed in myself was my normal. I knew I could numb it away with any of the many ways I had learned helped make me feel better. I’d go into a shame-fest, reminding myself how crappy I am and how sad it was that I couldn’t do anything right. I’d berate myself and then, comfort myself with substances or food. And it would work, temporarily. Just like that crappy wire-mother the monkeys would cling to. When you’re at the bottom, anything can feel comforting. Even the worst, ugly choices. And you will default to what you know will comfort you, and you’ll do it for decades if you’re not shown another way. Brooke told me to stop labeling myself, to stop creating this other version of myself (self-fulfilling prophecy again!) and rather create who I want to be, one day at a time.
What I wanted was to be healthier: mind, body and soul. I wanted to feel better. During my recovery from surgery, I had a lot of time to myself. A LOT of time to think and reflect. A lot of pain and a lot of healing to do. During those moments, I would cry and remember the times I tried to heal alone. I would think of past heart breaks in life, I would think of all of the times I didn’t show up for myself. And I mourned my old self. I let my body heal, but my mind did a lot of healing as well. Because there is nothing like cancer to change your perspective on life! All of a sudden, that feeling I had that time was passing, was TRUE! All of a sudden there was a time limit to this thing called life. All of a sudden, I knew it would all end one day and what would have to show for it? I decided during recovery that I was going to better myself. Not for anyone else- although the idea of a healthier lifestyle felt right. So I can be here for my kids as long as possible, I decided that I was done feeling tired and sad. I decided I wasn’t going to sleep through the afternoons of my kids’ childhood any longer. I decided I wouldn’t numb the pain away with substances and food anymore. I would feel every brutal second, because life is short- but it’s too long to feel like SHIT every single day of your life.
How did I do this? With a blueprint from someone who’s been there. With guidance and accountability. With relearning how to feel disappointment without going into the free-fall that would lead to numbing myself. By giving myself a little room to breathe! By making mindful, positive choices which included cutting out the worst foods I found myself addicted to, namely sugar. By creating new habits. By getting myself active and moving my body. This fired up those natural feel-good hormones we’re all built with, by admitting I do not know it all, and being willing to learn. Learn, I did! Via websites, books, emails, phone conversations. And finally, in a few months’ time, I feel better equipped to tackle life! The movement, (exercise) has helped me build my endurance so I’m not so tired. I still need rests, I still need to decompress, but I do not need a 3-hour nap every day to get through the day. I breathe! If something is overwhelming, I let myself feel it, and then I simply breathe. The extra oxygen helps me better understand what is before me. I make better choices. I don’t jump to impulsively numbing something that’s temporary. I let myself feel through it, and then it’s done. I don’t beat myself up for the small failings, instead I try and learn from them and see what they are trying to teach me. I talk it out, when I am holding onto something that’s bothering me, I talk about it instead of letting it fester and turn into something else entirely. Mostly, I have given myself the chance to let go of my past coping mechanisms by letting go of old ways that no longer serve me. Mostly, I am trying to relearn to love myself, to speak to myself in a way I would speak to my daughter. Being kind to yourself is really key in all of the rest of life! You have to live with yourself every single second of every day- why hate that person? Instead, making choices I can be proud of, that lead to a better future me, which is something I can feel good about and live with indefinitely. Brooke held a mirror up in front of me and when it was hard to look, she was the comforting hand squeeze on the other side. Now, I try and be mindful of myself at all times. It’s really hard, but the extra self-awareness pays off in dividends. I cannot even begin to put it into this account, but maybe another at some other time.
To sum up, I learned I was worth healing myself, and I’d like to just say everyone is capable of healing and changing for the better. It’s not an easy process but it’s worth it. If you are stuck in old patterns, using old coping mechanisms that keep you locked in a cycle of hating yourself, all it takes is deciding you’ve had enough and taking one tiny step to make your future better. Each positive choice builds upon the last. I’m thankful for the strong, knowledgeable people who have helped me along this journey- who gave me the strength and confidence to keep it up. You’ll never really know how much every second is worth until you’re able to appreciate the body you live in and treat it with respect and love. All the rest of your love stems from the love you have for yourself. Life is beautiful if you can learn to see it.
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